Violent behavior is learned, and often it is learned early in life. But just as children can learn to be violent, they also can learn to be kind-hearted. They can learn constructive ways to solve problems, deal with disagreements, and handle anger. Children who learn these skills early in life actually are learning violence prevention—something that will be valuable for the rest of their lives. With these skills, children are far less likely to grow up to be violent, or to be victims of violence.

First and foremost, a child needs to feel safe at home. There is no surer way to start children on the right path in life than to provide consistent, reliable, loving care. How you relate to the children inside your home is perhaps the most powerful tool for protecting them from violence outside the home.

Children learn how to behave by watching people around them. Your child learns by watching characters on television, in videos, and in movies. And, above all, your child learns by watching you. Think for a moment about how you react to difficult situations. How do you act toward your spouse? Your friends? Your neighbors? Other family members? You are teaching your child, by example, how to get along in the world. When you and others come together to solve your problems peacefully, your child learns how to deal with people in a positive way. But when you or someone close to your child is aggressive and destructive, the child learns to act the same way.

Everyone gets angry at times—it’s part of being human. Anger is a normal feeling that can be helpful, because it signals that change is needed. But anger also can get out of control. Helping children learn to manage anger is a very important part of early violence prevention.

It is hard for very young children to understand and manage their anger. As your young child grows, gradually teach these principles:

• It’s okay to be angry.
• There are okay ways and not okay ways to show your anger.
• It’s not okay to hurt anyone, to break things, or to hurt pets when you are angry.
• It’s okay to tell someone that you are angry.
• There are ways to calm yourself when you are angry.
• Young children get angry for many reasons

Several things stir young children’s anger, and they show it in different ways. Here are some typical examples:

When infants, birth to about 9 or 10 months, feel bad because they are hungry, sick, or in pain, or when they are startled by a loud noise—they show their anger by crying and thrashing their arms and legs.

Older babies, up to about 18 months, still show anger with crying and fussing, but the reasons may be different. This tends to occur when they don’t get an appealing object, when they can’t be with the person they want to be near, when they are frightened, or when they feel bad because of illness.

From about age 18 months to 4 years, children are easily frustrated and will aggressively try to get or to keep what they want. They may grab a toy or take a cookie away from a friend, push a child away from the place they want to stand, or hit someone who takes something away from them.

Children from about ages 4 to 8 years old gradually understand more, and they get angry about what people say, as well as what they do. They get better and better at expressing themselves with words, and their understanding of the world expands dramatically. Their aggression often is aimed at hurting another person—perhaps directly, by hitting or fighting, perhaps indirectly by damaging something the other person cares about.

Problem solving doesn’t just mean doing arithmetic or figuring out how to fix a leaky faucet. Many of the toughest problems, sometimes involving strong feelings, occur between people. Adults and children who can manage the strong feelings and resolve conflicts reasonably, without hurting someone, have good skills for social problem solving.

Start early to help young children STOP and THINK about different ways to solve a problem. Help them choose to act in a way that is nonviolent, safe, and fair. Around age 3, children are usually ready to begin simple steps of thinking and making choices which are part of social problem solving.

As children grow, they get better at solving problems. Around age 4 or 5, children can think of more than one way to solve a problem, and they can predict how people will react to their actions.

Children aged 6 to 8 can understand how others might see a problem differently, and they can talk about a situation more clearly. They also develop a conscience and worry about rules and fairness.

Be sure to praise a child who does any of these things:

• Calms down
• Tells how he or she feels
• Describes a problem
• Thinks of solutions to a problem
• Acts in a way that is safe, fair, and nonviolent
• Make sure that your children understand that it’s okay to make mistakes trying to solve problems and that we can learn from our mistakes. Always encourage children to seek help from trusted adults when a problem is too hard for them to handle.
•  Most of all, remember that children learn by watching you solve problems with respectful words and nonviolent actions.

No child’s behavior is perfect all of the time, and some kids are harder to deal with than others. When you must act to stop a child’s bad behavior, your goal should always be to do it with self-control and without violence. The goal of discipline is to teach children self-control, not to punish them.

Remember, the most important way to teach your child how to handle anger is for you to show that you can calm yourself, think about your own actions, and take reasonable, nonviolent steps to change a situation that made you angry.

The best way to get children to behave the way you want is to pay attention to them when things are calm and comment on their good behavior. Praise children for sharing a toy with a playmate without being told to do so or for putting their toys away when they are finished with them or for avoiding conflicts with other children. If children get attention only when they misbehave, they repeat the bad behavior.

Discipline is an important job and a young child’s constant out-of-control behavior can:

• Hurt that child or others
• Interfere with the child’s learning and making friends
• Damage property
• Lead to school failure
• Create tension and stress at home
• Set the stage for serious problems as the child grows older

You can teach a child self-control by:

• Setting reasonable limits and rules
• Having consistent, age-appropriate standards for behavior
• Showing consistent consequences for misbehaving
• Letting the child see good behavior by your example
• When young children 'act up'

Let children know what you expect, with simple statements.

• "Please put away your toys right now."
• Give warnings and reminders, without threats.
• "When you put away your toys, then you can go outside with your friends."
• Tell a child what to do rather than what not to do.
• "Please use a soft voice" instead of "Stop yelling!"

Follow through with praise for following instructions or consequences for disobeying.

Sometimes a youngster's bad behavior can be so frustrating that a parent or caregiver strikes the child without stopping to think. Yet children become confused, scared, and angry when adults hurt them—especially the adults whom they depend on to love and protect them. And continual, harsh punishment can lead a child to become aggressive and out of control - just the opposite of what you want to accomplish.

The daily experiences you provide for young children are powerful, not only for preventing violence, but also for increasing their chances to have a productive, happy life. If you stay at home with your children, have a schedule and plan activities for them and with them. If your children are in a child-care program while you work outside of home, make sure that it offers chances for constructive play and learning opportunities, with well-qualified staff who promote positive social behavior. Research shows that high quality child-care programs can reduce behavior problems in later childhood.*

Teach your child a sense of community by being part of the community yourself. Participate in activities to keep your neighborhood safe and to prevent violence.

Give your children opportunities to play with other children and to interact with people of all ages.

Give children your time - play together, eat together, watch their activities, work on projects together, just hang out and share everyday experiences.

As part of a young child’s family, you have a critical influence on that young child’s development. What you teach children today will make a difference in who they are tomorrow. You are the best person to show a path to nonviolence for the children, for your family, and for your community.

*The National Association for the Education of Young Children accredits early childhood programs that meet its standards. A nationwide listing of accredited programs can be found at the association’s Web site.

This brochure was developed by the American Psychological Association (APA) and the National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC) as part of the ACT Against Violence project.

American Psychological Association, 750 First Street, NE, Washington, DC 20002-4242 

National Association for the Education of Young Children, 1509 16th Street, NW, Washington, DC 20036-1426

The ACT Against Violence public service advertising campaign is produced in collaboration with the Advertising Council, Inc.

Several core principles serve as the basic tenets for preventing youth violence.